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for me the way to deal with failure is to write music. this song is the result of many, many failures: one day the future will be tomorrow

last weekend: i drove down to santa barbara on thursday afternoon with one of my suitemates, dave. we stayed at his house near thousand oaks thursday night, then woke up early friday morning to reserve a campsite north of santa barbara at el capitan state park. we did this because last weekend was the class of 2004 cornerstone surf and camping trip. as it turned out, there wasn’t a whole lot of surfing, because the waves pretty much sucked. instead, we played hours and hours of beach football and volleyball. i had lots of fun scrambling around the seaside cliffs in the cool air that brought out the bright blue of the sky. we cruised around santa barbara like the studly men that we are, picking up chicks left and right. there were so many chicks following each of us, you would not believe. we barbecued and lit stuff on fire and generally had a sweet time. i slept outside in the 40-degree weather, no tent: just sleeping bag and therm-a-rest. it was gorgeous to roll over and see the ocean shimmering with the reflected light of the bright moon, and to feel the strong sea breeze. california is where it’s at. ...

just a few moments ago, i was in a somewhat contrived and predictable bike accident. see, every time i bike back to my suite, there is a rather narrow walkway, at the end of which is a 90-degree left turn. at this intersection of sorts there are usually any number of bikes parked in any number of random configurations. thus, biking through them usually takes the skill and balance of an acrobat. ...

before i will like you or listen to what you have to say, or take you seriously, you have to gain my respect (especially if you are an authority figure, but we won’t worry about that). if i don’t respect you, i won’t desire to get to know you on a deep level. there’s even the chance that i’ll do my best to challenge you at every turn. if i don’t respect you, it would not be fun for us to work together. just because i don’t respect you, of course, doesn’t mean that everything is over. i can still tolerate you. i can put you at arm’s distance and, at every time you make a mistake (these times are often), even make excuses for you (did i expect you to meet my standards?). i can smile and be civil, but if you corner me at a large group meeting and start talking to me, it will be obvious that i want nothing more than to leave. ...

i am happy to be getting back into the rhythm of climbing regularly again. last quarter and even in recent weeks, i’ve been to the gym maybe once every week or two weeks. i’m even more ashamed to say that i don’t think i’ve been outside since fall quarter. but, in line with my stated goals for the quarter, i’ve gone 3 times in the past week. since each day of climbing was separated by a day of rest, and since i got on average 10 hours of sleep per night this week, my strength has come rushing back. today i sent problem after problem almost effortlessly. it was a wonderful feeling! ...

small are the words: the remix

and so, blood pounded in my ears and my feet pounded the path back into the city, but i was deaf to the cries of my body to stop, my face tear-streaked and wild-eyed, mouth agape in vain effort to stop the burning in my lungs: but it was the burning in my heart that blinded and bemuted me. i wanted it to burst so that i could die. i felt like i was going to die every time i thought of what happened. “and i will die”, i thought, “just as soon as i tell the disciples. i will not live in this world anymore, that betrays and deceives and tears to pieces every holy thing. i will not live in this world that takes the best of all men and exults in his slaughter! i will not live in this world that destroys the one thing in it that ever gave me real love. i cannot live without that love!” ...

at first, i could handle the parlor tricks and the mysterious (obviously inane) babble. i could even deal with his useless confrontations with the other teachers. after all, you know there’s no love lost between you pharisees and anyone but yourselves. and i guess you could say i allowed myself some smiles at the expense of those who looked like fools after trying to trap him in his own words (i admit it–and i’m not afraid of you. you need me). you have to give him that much: he had a knack for confusing and disorienting his opponents in public, much to the people’s delight. ah, but the people! you know how they are–they’ll clap and cheer at any oddity. and doesn’t he know that’s what he is to them? just a curiosity! a curiosity, nonetheless, that manages to pull food out of thin air. i still haven’t figured out how he did that one. i don’t wonder if there weren’t people planted in the crowd with food stashed in hidden places–that might do the trick. ...

choose which of the following is more significant: (1) i have never been in school in the month of july (2) i have never had a girlfriend in the month of april (at least, until the 26th)

there is a fine line between insecurity and arrogance. this line is called “humble confidence”. we might also call it “realistic confidence”, since true humility is of course simply adherence to and coherence with truth–what is actually the case. how could any other rendering be anything but “false” humility, by definition (to see the obviousness of this, examine all the stanford students who say “i did alright in high school”)? we might build in, of course, a certain amount of allowable subjectivism or ignorance on my part, and state only that humble confidence is believing about myself what is, according to my best judgment, true. ...