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the rest of the week went quite well, even considering all the work i had to do (on an EE or CS scale, this isn’t much, but for me it is) in greek, philosophy, spanish, etc… so let’s get the dumb obligatory i’m-in-college school news out of the way: i did my first modal logic problem set, and it was a much different experience than predicate logic…lots more little drawings and figures, which i tend to like better. class on thursday taxed me seriously, though–we’re talking about the complexity of a given task in the modal language, measured in P, NP, PSPACE, NPSPACE, EXP, etc… it’s all very weird and i think the next homework might kick my butt unless i do the whole take it by the horns and jump on it and hit its butt thing again. ...

sunday night, we’re all sitting around during the seder dinner. dan and justin are to my right, and 3 or 4 pretty girls to the left. we’re all having a great time, great conversation, and of course dan and justin and i are competing to be the coolest so that the girls will like us. during a lull in conversation, when nobody around is really talking, dan turns to me and says, loudly, “jon, how would you describe what we did last night?” ...

the trick is not to appear like you enjoy your own joke too much. even though you know it’s freakin hilarious. that’s just a little wisdom from on high via the oracle of anne lamott. it was a long week, but good. i’m going to end up taking all the classes i signed up for. on friday i played at stanford’s art affair. it was quite a big production this year: two big stages, one open-air and one in a tent. every artist only had 15 minutes to play, there were so many performers. i played in the tent stage at 4:25, after hanging around and listening to friends and other random people play their sets. ...

i’m back. spring quarter, watch yourself. one day of classes is done. a billion more to go. i think i’ll like them–the classes–they seem fun. especially my conversational spanish class. i can’t wait to regain some lost skills in that area. i’m a little too lazy to give the play-by-play for the day, so we’ll just say that it was a day of errands. running here and there, buying this, paying off that bill, going to this class, etc…crusade was switched to wednesday, so we had that tonight, followed by root beer floats and beav’s apartment. now i’m sitting at with my desk, wondering what to do for the rest of the night. here are the options: ...

spring break part V: 3.31.2002 - 4.1.2002 THE LAST AND FINAL EPISODE. (the continuation of part IV) though it was painful, i did get up in time for church on sunday. my grandma was in town, as you know, and my aunt linda (my dad’s sister) and her new fiance had driven up from west palm the day before. so with the three of them my family went to the 9:30am service. the message was fantastic–it was the first time i’d heard a pastor attempt an apologetic approach to an easter sermon that a) made any sense and b) didn’t leave my philosophical nature unsatisfied or questioning or accusing. my level of respect for my pastor rose accordingly. ...

spring break part IV: 3.26.2002 - 3.30.2002 (the continuation of part III) the next few days had that peculiar quality some days have – agonizingly slow and boring and yet somehow able to fly by quickly. on tuesday i worked 8-5 at the wycliffe bible translators headquarters, which is where my parents work. i was a temporary employee of the MIS (some abstruse abbreviation for “all things technological”) department. i ran around the office building setting up computers, fixing problems, answering the computer help desk phone (“did you reboot?….oh..it works now?…good…you’re welcome….bye”), and writing blog entries. ...

spring break part III: 3.23.2002 7:30pm - 3.25.2002 11:59pm (the continuation of part II) the drive home from gainesville was nice and easy–i just stopped once for gas on the turnpike. i made it home before 10. my parents and sister and grandma (who’s in town for a few weeks) were already winding down and getting ready for bed, but my body was so confused by the highly erratic sleep schedule i’d been leading it on, that i wasn’t tired. i heated up some cold leftover dinner and sat down to watch a movie brainlessly. i watched ’the last castle’, which, while not spectacularly philosophical or artistic, was fun and had that cool ingenuity-and-trickiness-in-planning-for-fighting aspect. ...

spring break part II: 3.21.2002 7pm - 3.23.2002 7pm (the continuation of part I) we left the story as i was beginning the drive to gainesville. man, i flew. normally a two-hour drive, i made it in just under 1:40. 84mph while eating tacos. i got to josh’s apartment a little before 9, and he was there, which was nice. we got back in my car and drove to UF to go to the crusade meeting. arriving over half an hour late, we casually walked in and sat in the back as the speaker taught. the message was standard–not too phenomenal–but the time of worship was real and sweet. and by sweet i mean totally awesome. by that time nate akers had come in too, even later than us, so it was good to have him there as well. we hung out after the meeting until late, probably 10:15 or so. then nate and josh and i went back to josh’s apartment to hang out. jason, josh’s brother, was back, and it was good to see him too. we sat in their room and played guitar for what seemed like hours. ...

spring break part I: 3.19.2002 7pm - 3.21.2002 7pm not too long after my last post, i talked to emily on IM. apparently my attitude in the post was disappointing to her, because she thought i’d been doing better. i felt bad, but also defensive–i didn’t think that i was leading her on, or lying, or being false in any way. it was a rough conversation, and a bad way to start a trip, but i had to leave right after for the airport. truth be told, however, i certainly can’t lay any blame on emily for anything, and especially bad conversations. i’ve given her more than my fair share of hurt in the past few months, and i admire her perseverance. also, as she poignantly told me, i really just need to “get [my] act together”. she’s no doubt sick of the wavering, the unsureness, my ‘weird’ feelings, and whatever else. i’m sick of them too. and i wholeheartedly agreed then, and now, that i need to get my act together. thus, getting my act together is the theme of spring break. because, as emily and i both know, for me to ever make a decision about our relationship, it needs to be in a vacuum of other life doubts and problems, or i would forever wonder if it wasn’t one of them that needed to be fixed instead. we’ll find out if this is possible. ...

i’m leaving in 2.5 hours. i don’t know what to make of this recently-past quarter. it certainly had some of the crappiest moments in recent history. i got blasted in each of my classes at some point, my inner life slowly deteriorated, my walk with god was part of my inner life, and my end of things in my relationship with emily gradually sunk into blackness. which is where i still am – i have no clue what i’m supposed to be doing with her, and i don’t have the capacity to deal with the mess of feelings. sometimes [lately] i surprise myself by how angry, hateful, spiteful, and ugly i can be inside my own head. and i’m not normally that way. something’s obviously wrong, but i don’t know what or how it can be fixed. ...