Two factors draw me back to the blog despite overwhelming opposition from laziness (among other things): first, Jessica has been encouraging me to write on certain topics we discuss from time to time. Second, I haven’t been to my Facebook homepage in four months, and thus have a list of things I actually want to say to The Internet which haven’t been said even in short form.

The purpose of this post is simply to clear the stage, and as such is primarily for myself. It simply wouldn’t do, in my brain at least, to go from an entry about the release of Summer of Rock 2009 to a discussion about the linguistic behavior of Americans in Oxford, 16 months later. And that is partly why the longer I waited to write, the less inclined I was to do so. Now that’s changed.

In short–coming soon: something else!

Four and a half months after I stopped work and planned to engage in a sabbatical of sorts, I’m back. I flew in from Kenya a day ago, and am now in Orlando as I prepare to help my parents move cross-country to San Francisco.

In many ways, I’m still recovering from Kenya, and cannot yet distill that complex and amazing experience into a weblog entry. In the coming days, I hope to write a thematic series of articles on the various aspects of my time there, which might be a better way of doing justice to it. For now, it’s just hard to adjust to life in the US, and life away from my friends old and new at Tumaini.

I certainly have a lot to think about and process. Between 3 weeks of touring with the New Frontiers, spending 6 weeks at Schloss Mittersill in Austria, and now living 8 weeks in rural Kenya, I’ve had a number of new experiences, and noticed a lot of things about the world and myself which call for introspection, integration, and response.

As I look forward to my future both near and far, I find that I’m more confused about what I can and should do, not less! In that sense, the sabbatical did not live up to my hopes! But I’m beginning to see that this place is probably right where I should be, despite my desires for easy clarity. I think God and other people gave me so many unlooked-for gifts during this time away, albeit sometimes through hard circumstances, so it has been a slow process of gaining the eyes to see their goodness! I’m sure that process will continue in the next weeks and months.

Now, I must focus on re-inserting myself into the matrix of life here, finding work, and pondering next steps. There’s an exciting freedom in not knowing where I will be in a year, let alone two months! But I hope that the right path, if there is such a thing, will present itself to me in enough time to follow it. It usually does, I guess.

So that’s all for now–please stay tuned for the Kenya series, pictures, and other announcements during the next few weeks!

The side of the castle and Mittersill far below

Looking down into Mittersill at night

One of many beautiful sunsets looking from the Schloss deck

The courtyard through a window

The chapel and mountains beyond

A lonely path I took one day

Snowing on the castle at night

The bottom of Krimml waterfall

There are two things that primarily defined the latter half of my time in Austria. First of all, I had the opportunity to have a 3-day, intensive, guided retreat of solitude and fasting. The significance of this time for me deserves its own entry, and I wish I had the time to expound on what happened in my heart over even that short period. In sum, God showed me his love in a new way, almost without the intermediation of my (ever-striving) intellect. It was an experience with which I was not before familiar, and it made all the questions and frustrations I came into the time with (including my physical trials) seem somewhat unimportant in comparison to that love.

In fact, it was that result that stayed with me during my whole time in Austria. Unfortunately, though I continued to pray about many of the issues which caused me to embark on a sabbatical (my arms, etc…), none of these were resolved. Fortunately, I no longer believed that the resolution of these problems was of paramount importance! What had replaced them? I’m not sure exactly, but I could describe it as the sustaining love and peace of God. As I said, I would love to expound at length on the process I went through during the solitude, fasting, and meditation, but this summary will have to do for now. I will, however, share a few pictures I took while on a long walk I took during the retreat:

A floating mountain!

Dramatic picture of an Austrian house

B/W of a lone farmhouse

Secondly, I’d like to share the results of a project I started and completed while at the Schloss. When I first arrived, I began to play around on one of the few pianos at the castle, and soon formed an idea for a concept album. Miraculously (given how slow I usually write music), I wrote seven full songs. Equally miraculously, I had time before leaving to do a basic recording of the whole project. I’ve since done a simple mixing job on them and have put all of them up for download. But first, here are some pictures:

The piano set-up, in the Green Room

I recorded vocals in the chapel, which was, as you’d imagine, great for reverb as well as inspiration

Most often, I had to record vocals at night by the light of my headlamp!

The album, called Suite Apocalyptique, is special in a way, since there’s one theme that guides both the music and the lyrics. Instead of writing about it here, I’ve created a PDF that includes an explanation of the background for the album, as well as all the lyrics. You can download it here - I recommend reading it before listening to the album.

Now, I would love for you to download and listen to the album! It is compressed into ZIP format (which both Mac and Windows can extract easily), and you can get it here: Suite Apocalyptique. I certainly welcome any comments or feedback! I hope the album might be meaningful to you in some way; certainly I have all of you who are supporting me in this venture to thank directly for this project!

Well, there’s much more to say about my time in Austria, of course. Many paragraphs could be spent telling stories and thanking the Schloss community for its support and friendship to me, and for welcoming me swiftly and warmly to the center of their life together. Perhaps such thoughts will float across the blog in the future!

Now, I am in Oxford, where I have been for a few days while waiting for my flight to Kenya (logistics created a bit of a time gap, and it made sense to spend it in the UK). I’ve enjoyed wandering the streets and footpaths, visiting my favorite pubs (including the Eagle and Child) and seeing new neighborhoods (like Iffley and Jericho) that I hadn’t before. I’ll leave you with a few pictures from here:

A lovely little lane

Christ Church cathedral

Thank you for reading! In a few short hours I’ll be joining Lara (of TrippingOnWords) at Heathrow. Then it’s off to Nyeri, Kenya, to the Tumaini orphanage. I’m not sure exactly what’s in store for me there, but I’m sure it will be awesome. I look forward to sharing those experiences at the end of this month, when I return home!

A brief summary of the reasons for such a decision: Primarily, my computer-centric lifestyle (both work and play) over the past few years contributed to a gradually worsening set of repetitive stress injuries in my arms and hands, such that when November rolled around, I was experiencing pain at all times, not just when using computers. Conversations with various specialists enlightened me as to the potential long-term damage of exacerbating my condition, and I decided to wrap up my current obligations and take 3-4 months away.

Another important factor in my decision was my spiritual life, which for a number of reasons I believed would benefit from a time of listening to God and posing certain questions to him, in an environment different than my normal, Palo Alto one.

With help from others, I thought long and hard about how best to pursue a sabbatical for several months, and settled on a 3-part journey. First, I decided to go on tour with my friends The New Frontiers (with whom I went to high school) and Manchester Orchestra. Sadly, this leg of the journey is already complete! For about 3 weeks, I slept on floors and lived in a van with these guys, playing a show almost every night, eating on $5 a day, and generally having an incredible time. The telling of the experiences we had warrants a book, not a weblog entry, so I’ll pass on any further detail here. Suffice it to say, I had a genuinely life-changing trip, enjoyed hanging out with my companions, and received many questions to ponder during the subsequent portions of the sabbatical.

I was able to play a few shows on tour; this is the 585 in Atlanta

In the middle of January, I flew back to Florida for just three days, attended a friend’s wedding, and packed for the remainder of my journey. Then, I flew to Austria, and made my way to the small town of Mittersill, where I’m spending about 6 weeks at a place called Schloss Mittersill (Castle Mittersill). There is a small Christian community living here that lets students or people on sabbatical come to study, think, rest, etc… It seemed to be an ideal place for me to dig into some of the spiritual questions and issues I had raised, and it has proven to be that so far.

For the last few weeks, I’ve spent virtually all my time at the Schloss, getting to know the house team, students, and other workers and inhabitants. Without exception these people have been wonderfully inviting, and I found myself welcomed very quickly into the life rhythm of this place. After adjusting to the time and learning how to get from one place in the Schloss to another, I began to meet with a certain couple who are acting as my “sabbatical liaisons” (really, counselors) during my time here. Since then, I’ve been sharing my story with them, and putting together a plan for how best to heal physically and also make use of this time to seek God. I’ll probably have, for example, a sort of retreat-within-retreat next week for a couple days, in solitude from the rest of the group here.

Most of my time, however, has so far been spent in the Schloss library, or hanging out with people by a fire and talking into the evening, or taking advantage of the incredible alpine environment and going for long walks in the snowy hills (I hope to be able to do a bit of snowboarding at nearby Pass Thurn or Kitzbühel if I can find some gear). I’ve been reading ferociously, catching up on (what seems like) years of lost time, and studying German, Greek, Hebrew, and Swahili. We’ll see how much any of that sticks, but I have been enjoying delving into these pursuits that I rarely have time for. What’s more, there’s been the opportunity for creative endeavors as well–they have a few pianos here, so I’ve been writing some music, as well as working on a short novel that has been under construction for over a year now.

A winter scene from one of my walks near the Schloss

In short, between the amazing community, the study, nature, and the hilarious attempts to practice yoga in my tiny room (we have my sister to thank for that), the time has been incredibly useful to me already. Now that I have gotten a feel for life here, and had a chance to enjoy many of the academic or creative pursuits I love, I hope to move forward into a time of serious waiting on and listening to God, and hopefully come to some resolutions on the spiritual purposes for this sabbatical, on how I should be spending and directing my energies in the coming months and years, and on who I am as an individual in his Kingdom.

I also hope to spend even less time on my computer than I have been, thus to be more confident of my physical healing. I will probably, for example, refrain from e-mail as much as possible, though I would certainly rather be talking to you than not!

Well, so much for an update. I also need to mention that, at the outset of my trip to Austria, I was very fearful that things would not come together financially for these international travels. Obviously, the combination of travel and not working is a bit of an expensive worry. However, it soon became clear that my fears were misplaced! In an amazing display of generosity that left me literally shaken, I was supported by many friends and family, who also, it seems, saw the importance in this move for me. The fact that so many would gather around me in assistance at a time like this, when I truly needed it, is to me an incredible testimony of God’s faithfulness through their love. While not everything is taken care of, I have certainly been humbled by this experience, enough to finally heed Jesus’ words about not worrying about tomorrow’s troubles. For now, my focus is on what I am doing and trying to discern God’s voice in the middle of it.

I am sure that the remainder of my time at the Schloss will be excellent. But that only accounts for 2 out of 3 parts of this sabbatical! Looking ahead to part 3, I’m going to be leaving Austria for Kenya in early March. There is an orphanage outside of Nairobi a ways that I will be staying at, and volunteering at for about 3 weeks (along with a few friends from Stanford). I can’t say much more about this leg as yet, since some details still need to be firmed up. I am certain it will be an amazing time nonetheless, and a completely different experience than the one here in Austria. My hope is that I will be able to be of some service to the children and staff there, however small. We will see; and I’ll be certain to write about those experiences later on.

That is it for now; I have had a virtually limitless number of ideas for other weblog entries, whether theological or philosophical or poetic or what have you, but in an effort to stay off the keyboard, I’ve refrained from writing them down. Alas! Well, goodbye for now, and if you’d like to say hello in an e-mail, please don’t hesitate; I’ll respond as quickly as I can!

At this time of year, the blog is usually full of ruminations on the birth of Christ (like this entry) or self-pity wallowings (like this rather plaintive entry or this poem from last year). But right now I have neither the time nor energy to be deeply profound nor (believe it or not) deeply self-centered.

So I thought I’d share, as rather paltry gifts, a few links to things I’ve loved recently; you may find them interesting!

First, for anyone who like me has been completely annoyed by (what I am calling) the “Dawkins Meme” of recent months, I want to give this article–a review of Dawkins’ new book by Terry Eagleton (who’s not, I don’t think, a Christian). The problem with Dawkins is not that he’s wrong–if we were to quantify beliefs, I’d probably agree with more of his than your average fundamentalist Christian–though certainly some basic ones differ. The problem is, as Eagleton says, his unwillingness to see surfacely-nuanced differences in “religious” systems that actually have huge under-the-hood ramifications.

Second, to all and sundry, I want to gift two podcasts done by St Paul’s Theological Centre in London, which happen to be interviews with NT Wright. The first podcast is on gnosticism, and the second podcast is on, among other things, “apocalypse”. I would go so far as to make the second one mandatory listening for any thoughtful Christian; it’s that good.

I have to admit, of course, that I’m drinking the NT Wright Kool-Aid at the moment. I’ve been reading his Christian Origins and the Question of God series, and am almost done with the second (long) volume, on Jesus. It’s been one of the most groundbreaking works I’ve read in a while. Last year I read some Kierkegaard and reflected that he had done more than anyone to re-affirm my love of Scripture as something worth remaining conversant with. Now, I’d say the same thing about NT Wright; I feel that I’ve been given a whole new (and better) way of reading the gospels (and much of the Old Testament). It seems as though I was dealing with something two-dimensional, and now the text has sprung to life amidst a vibrant and colorful context. My exegeses of almost every parable and saying of Jesus have been subtly, if not fundamentally, alered, and many things now just make sense that were opaque before.

This isn’t to say that Wright is correct on all his points (though as a novice in historical studies it’s hard for me to launch a critique), but rather that the overall story he is weaving answers, it seems, more questions than any other view I’ve come across. It has the result, of course, of turning much conventional “Christian” (particularly western fundamentalist) wisdom on its head–a result I’m amenable to in any case. So, if you are a Christian who cares about the content of your beliefs and whether or not they make sense, read these books.

Third and finally, I have a gift for lovers of language learning. I recently discovered that the iTunes music store has many language-learning podcasts available for free download. I found one for German that has 100 lessons, each ~15 minutes long. That’s essentially a 25-hour language course, free! I discovered these podcasts from a very helpful list of language-learning podcasts. From what it looks like, iTunes has a lot more that didn’t make this list, so I’m sure further exploration would be fruitful.

So again, I wish all of you a very happy Christmas, focused indeed on reflection on the having-already-come of the Messiah, and the having-already-been-inaugurated of the Kingdom of God. I leave you, therefore, with this excerpt from an article by CS Lewis (one that my family reads every Christmas Eve), which pretty much sums up my feelings about this time of year:

But I myself conversed with a priest in one of these temples and asked him why they kept Crissmas on the same day as Exmas; for it appeared to me inconvenient. But the priest replied, “It is not lawful, O stranger, for us to change the date of Crissmas, but would that Zeus would put it into the minds of the Niatirbians to keep Exmas at some other time or not to keep it at all. For Exmas and the Rush distract the minds even of the few from sacred things. And we indeed are glad that men should make merry at Crissmas; but in Exmas there is no merriment left.” And when I asked him why they endured the Rush, he replied, “It is, O Stranger, a racket”; using (as I suppose) the words of some oracle and speaking unintelligibly to me (for a racket is an instrument which the barbarians use in a game called tennis).

But what Hecataeus says, that Exmas and Crissmas are the same, is not credible. For first, the pictures which are stamped on the Exmas-cards have nothing to do with the sacred story which the priests tell about Crissmas. And secondly, the most part of the Niatirbians, not believing the religion of the few, nevertheless send the gifts and cards and participate in the Rush and drink, wearing paper caps. But it is not likely that men, even being barbarians, should suffer so many and great things in honour of a god they do not believe in.

If you want to skip right to the pictures, click here

I just returned from Geneva, Switzerland–a trip I decided to take a mere 3 weeks ago. Every year, my parents have a business trip in late September to some international location (for legal reasons, these meetings have to take place outside the US). Since I graduated high school in 2000 and chose to attend Stanford (a quarter school), I’ve had the good fortune to not be in class during these trips, and thus was able to tag along with my folks. We’ve been to some great places–London (twice), Dublin, Lisbon, and Barcelona (after I graduated). I didn’t go on the 2005 trip, but since my work schedule permitted this year, I was able to go to Geneva. (For a few older blogs of such trips, see here for Lisbon 2002 and here for Barcelona 2004).

These trips are always fun, not least because I’ve gotten to know many of the other attendees, all great people. At times there have even been sons or daughters there like myself, and so there are often young people to hang out with, in addition to spending great time with my parents. My friend Laura was there, of this January’s Bahamas trip fame.

The group dinners are generally quite nice, and so it’s also fun to bring “dress-up” clothes to wear consistently. (I wore my suit this week for the first time since last December, I think). This trip was particularly special for me, however, because it happened that my 24th birthday was during the trip, and I had a wonderful time celebrating it with my parents and some friends, both at a spectacular dinner and later at our pub of choice, over fine cuban cigars and cognac. I certainly couldn’t ask for a better birthday experience, though I did miss my friends from home. As an extra special gift, my parents also let me use some of their airline upgrade coupons, so we all traveled to and from Geneva in business / first class. What luxury!

I spent most of my time in Geneva sleeping, hanging out in our great hotel (the Hotel d’Angleterre), working out or using the sauna, catching up on my reading, or wandering around taking pictures and buying sandwiches using poor French. One tourist highlight was definitely the Patek Philippe museum, which had on exhibit some of the oldest and most complicated watches in the world. The sheer amount of time, love, and skill put into these objects by their craftsmen was literally awing. One complicated mechanical watch we saw had over 1800 unique parts, individually designed and produced and assembled. This watch, like some others in the exhibit, kept track of the time, of course, but also such measurements as the day, the week, the month, the year, the lunar phases, sidereal time, the location of certain stars in the sky, etc… (taking into account leap years, etc..–it’s guaranteed to be accurate for something like 500 years if kept wound).

Life in Geneva appears to be very expensive, and the same was true of souvenirs. Accordingly, the only things I brought back were two beer glasses (one a .5L stein (Cardinal), and the other a Belgian snifter (Leffe)), both procured by my dad, free for the asking from bars. Incidentally, the beer of the trip was hands-down the Belgian Leffe (the blonde variety). It had a light color, a creamy texture, and a strong, sweet taste. It was not overpowering, though, and had a very strong spruce hops aroma which kept the whole thing dynamic and interesting. It probably now ranks in my top 5 beer list.

Well, check out the pictures, and let me know what you think!

First, in trying to assist Nyffy with his desire to one day become the Brewmaster of Heaven, a contingent of my friends spent some time this last weekend brewing a batch of Futurebeer:

The current state of Futurebeer

Futurebeer is beer, after a while. It is not yet, however. It’s that same mysterious “already but not yet” we find with the kingdom of God. Anyway, it was fun to go through a process involving (mostly) natural ingredients that will culminate in pure enjoyment after a period of care and waiting. Being a creative person who works mostly with digital or musical media, I was very glad to work with actual substances to create a product. It’s sort of like the joy I have found in cooking nice meals, only greater due to the extended period of time involved in the process.

Second, I received in the mail from Amazon the first three books in NT Wright’s massive “Question of God” undertaking, beginning with The New Testament and the People of God. After hearing much about these works and reading some other stuff of Wright’s, I’m very excited to go on an extended journey of engagement with history, theology, and literary criticism on issues surrounding the origins of Christianity. Thankfully, I’ve finished Alister McGrath’s likewise-authoritative critical-realism-inspired trilogy on scientific theology, so I now have room for another expedition. You will no doubt be hearing various thoughts on the books here, which is why I thought I’d give forewarning. As a bit of a taste, here’s a paragraph from the introduction:

The New Testament has not been around as long as the land of Israel, but in other ways there are remarkable parallels. It is a small book, smaller than anybody else’s holy book, small enough to be read through in a day or two. But it has had an importance belied by its slim appearance. It has again and again been a battleground for warring armies. Sometimes they have come to plunder its streasures for their own use, or to annex bits of its territory as part of a larger empire in need of a few extra strategic mountains, especially holy ones. Somestimes they have come to fight their private battles on neutral territory, finding in the debates about a book or a passage a convenient place to stage a war which is really between two worldviews or philosophies, themselves comparatively unrelated to the New Testament and its concerns. There are many places whose fragile beauty has been trampled by heavy-footed exegetes in search of a Greek root, a quick sermon, or a political slogan. And yet it has remained a powerful and evocative book, full of delicacy and majesty, tears and laughter.

What ought one to do with the New Testament? We may take it for granted that it will be no good trying to prevent its still being used as a battleground. No border fences would be strong enough to keep out the philosophers, the philologists, the politicians and the casual tourists; nor should we erect them if they were. There are many who have come to pilfer and have stayed to be pilgrims. To place all or part of this book within a sacred enclosure would be to invite a dominical rebuke: my house is to be a house of prayer for all the nations. Past attempts to keep it for one group only–the take-over bids by the scholars and the pietists, the fundamentalists and the armchair social workers–have ended with unseemly battles, the equivalent of the sad struggle for the control of Holy Places in the land of israel. This book is a book of wisdom for all peoples, but we have made it a den of scholarship, or of a narrow, hard and exclusive piety.

Inspiring, no?

Third, I am going to Switzerland next week. I would like to get a good digital SLR camera before then. Anyone have one they want to sell? Or any recommendations?

Fourth, I wanted to upload something to YouTube, but only have 3 or 4 home videos on my computer. Only one happened to be appropriately flattering of myself, and since the purpose of the Internet is for people to upload flattering things, I chose to throw it in to the churning mill. It’s from last year in Costa Rica when Justin turned on the camera and told me to go catch a frisbee in the ocean. You can see the video here. After uploading I found many videos of real ultimate frisbee layouts, which were much more impressive. So watch those too.

Until next time, this has been your beer, academic theology, travel, and sports update. Cheers.

In roughly chronological order:

• I went to Colorado for the Oltrogge family reunion (that’s my mom’s side). We spent most of our time out in the mountains near Winter Park. It was great to reconnect with family I hadn’t seen in a long time, and see places of importance from the past (my great-grand-relations were more or less ranchers in the mountains of Colorado, which I suppose I knew but never really considered). One day we took a drive through Rocky Mountain National Park, and it was breathtaking:

  

• The day I returned from Denver, I hopped in Trent’s car, and we drove down to Santa Barbara in order to prepare for his upcoming bachelor party in Mexico. The following day, we caravanned south, through dreaded LA, San Diego, and across the border. Our destination was 30 miles south at a hotel called “La Fonda”, where we had an intensely awesome weekend with close on 40 guys. Highlights included “La Fonda Trifecta” (a very serious volleyball, horseshoes, and bocce ball tournament, in which my team got 2nd place), eating every meal in the hotel restaurant which was set on a cliff overlooking the ocean, unlimited margaritas and beer, shooting very dangerous rockets into hotel rooms from the beach (accidentally?), and 18 holes of beautiful ocean-side golf (at which I sucked very badly).

  La Fonda from the beach

  Our base of operations

  One of many beautiful sunsets

• Upon return from Mexico, I noticed that my Powerbook was not charging correctly–one of my batteries was dead and the computer would not run with it in, or charge it. With another battery in place, the computer would run, but the battery would not charge. After a phone call to Apple support, during which they had me press many combinations of buttons, the computer would no longer start at all, regardless of battery or adapter state. This was worrisome, because everything that I create or produce, whether for work or otherwise, is done on that computer. So Apple said they would fix it, and sent me a box in which to mail the computer to them. Of course, I foolishly hadn’t made a backup of my hard drive before talking to Apple on the phone, and they make no guarantees that your hard drive will not be wiped, so I was in a pickle. While figuring that out, I began using my PC laptop for e-mail and such things. Less than 24 hours after my Powerbook died, my PC hard drive inexplicably started making loud clicking noises, and died. The BIOS couldn’t even recognize it in order to format it. Thus a week went by computer-less while I tried to figure out how to get the data off my Powerbook drive before sending it to Apple. In the end, I bought a small hard drive enclosure, took apart my Powerbook and got the drive out, put it in the enclosure, and was able to use a friend’s computer to transfer data from the enclosed laptop drive to my backup drive. (After I bought one enclosure which was faulty, of course, causing me to fear my data had been lost forever).

  As it turns out, it’s kind of a delicate and time-consuming process to open up a Powerbook

• In the middle of the computer fiasco, a couple cool things happened. First, I got a CD in the mail from my brother, which happened to be significant because it was the final mix of our most recent album, Hope (A Sliver, Like The Moon). Finally, months of hard work was over, and we had 6 kick-ass songs done! I look forward to pointing to some songs from here as soon as some non-recording type work is finished. Also, we’ve persuaded the design skillz master Chris Nyffeler himself to once again work on cover art for us. Stay tuned for more information.

• I also went with Dan to Tuolumne (in Yosemite) to tackle a climb we’d been thinking about doing for a while. It was called Regular Route, on Fairview Dome. It was 12 pitches to the top, most of which were technically easy, but some of which were quite challenging for me (it didn’t help that some residual snowmelt in the cracks meant for some slippery climbing at points), partly in virtue of the endurance, partly in virtue of the techniques required (much of it was crack climbing / laybacking, which I have not done much of).

  Looking up at the second pitch, you can see Dan as the tiny orange blur near the middle

  All in all, it was the best outdoor climb I’ve done, with some very memorable parts, including a 5.9 roof move, which, when performed 500 feet above the deck, was exhilirating. The last couple pitches were simul-climbed, which I’ve also never done before, and so required a great deal of concentration and focus. We took almost 7 hours to do the climb, but it was a beautiful day (I alternated between being cold and hot, so I suppose the temperature was ideal) and was exceedingly memorable.

  Recovering on the top, before the walk down the backside of the dome

  One of many incredible views from the top

• After returning from Yosemite, I conscripted my parents and sister, who were all at our place in SF, to come down to Palo Alto and help me put together my new room. I had been living with 4 other guys, but one was getting married and had moved out, so I no longer had to share a room with Justin. Glorious freedom was mine! I was excited about the prospects of designing my own space, and with the help of my parents and the local Ikea, I dare say we’ve created a very functional masterpiece in the small space.

  The all-important reading area: bookshelf, chair, light, and a place to put a cold beverage

  The under-the-lofted-bed desk, with record player + LPs, my “mega-amp”, importantly-displayed tobacco paraphernalia, bike storage, keyboard, and place to work on a computer or write

  The piece-de-resistance: track lighting from Ikea that I installed! I love track lighting with a passion

• The day we put my room together, I went back up to SF to prepare to travel once more–this time back to Denver for Trent and Natalie’s wedding. I had the honor of being in the (very large) wedding party, and so the weekend was full of meaningful and fun events, as can only be mixed appropriately when two families come together who dearly love both God and light-hearted enjoyment. The wedding ceremony itself was somewhat haphazard, involving a reluctant flower girl, a forgetful minister, a fainting bridesmaid, and an ill-timed best man’s joke, but such variegations were soon forgotten, and the reception was what one might call “epic”. Between the unlimited Fat Tire on draft and the many hours of dancing in the company of friends old and new, the night was both tiring and satisfying–not to mention the pleasure felt to see to great friends begin a new life together. The day after was occupied with the World Cup final, which many of us watched at a crowded ESPN bar in downtown Denver. France, unfortunately, did not win (Zidane??), which gave me the honor of claiming a very improbable personal statistic: in 100% of World Cup games for which I actually desired that the winner be a specific country, the other country emerged victorious. I should have bet some money against myself! Of course, it felt weird to not have more World Cup games to look forward to, seeing as it had occupied so much of my time.

• Since the wedding I have spent my days somewhat less hectically: enjoying the summer, working, and going frequently to the climbing gym. Most of my free time has been taken up with learning Ruby and Ruby on Rails, to further the breadth of my coding knowledge and experience.

• Books: Importantly, I finally finished Alister McGrath’s Scientific Theology trilogy, consisting of Nature, Reality, and Theory. This is one of the more significant works from the perspective of Christian theology which I have ever read. I hope to be able to do an extended review at some point, but for now let’s just say I was extremely glad to deal for an extended length of time with issues at the intersection of philosophy, theology, and science. More than anyone I have read, Alister remains faithful to the central insights of all three disciplines. Remember, we have his Faith & Science course available here at Teleios. I also picked up and read Graham Tomlin’s The Provocative Church, which I’ve been meaning to go through for years. I was present at the Teleios course he taught on the same subject, but had never read the book. I was immensely glad I did, and anyone interested in evangelism, postmodernity, the heart of “church”, or church formation should read it. On a lighter note, I’ve started the last book of Susan Cooper’s The Dark is Rising Sequence–a children’s fantasy series which I hadn’t read since 3rd grade, but had remembered to be excellent. Apparently my taste was good back then too, and I’ve enjoyed being immersed for short periods of time in a world which existed only in my vague childhood memory. Finally (in books), Nyffy and I are almost done reading Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince out loud (a project we started last summer when the book came out). There was a long hiatus, but we’re back at it, and trying to remember who all the characters are. We’re near the end, and some very shocking things have happened, which we’re not sure about.

• Music: the summer has been good for new music, and I took that opportunity to make a 2-disc compilation for my friends showcasing such new music (and various other tracks particularly appropriate for summer listening, even if from years past). I’m very proud of the compilation, which I called “Summer of Rock”. Anyway, here’s a short list of some bands that have new albums I’ve enjoyed this summer: Band of Horses, Built to Spill, Dashboard Confessional, David Bazan, the Flaming Lips, Josh Ritter, Mat Kearney, Snow Patrol, Splendour Hyaline (!), Stars, The Stills, and Thrice. Check them out!

And there you have it. Summer 2006, so far. Hopefully various non-event-list-type entries coming soon. Thanks for reading!

Event 1: On Thursday, I went to an Over the Rhine and Hem show in San Francisco. I have loved and followed Over the Rhine for years. Karin’s (the singer’s) voice is like magical, sensual, chocolate and wine-filled lovemaking. I think. I have never had magical, sensual, chocolate and wine-filled lovemaking, but it is at least how I would imagine it going. The show was at the Great American Music Hall–my favorite SF venue, where I have seen most if not all of my favorite artists over the past 6-7 years. After Hem’s flawless opening set, Over the Rhine kicked things off with “Latter Days”, possibly my favorite song of theirs. From then until the end of their hour-plus set, I was in a world of enchantment which I can’t coherently relate. Many things rose up in me and got stuck in my throat that I wish I knew how to remember. Times of such beauty are rare.

Event 2: Last night (Saturday), my housemate Trent’s fiancee and friends were all out for some “bachelorette party” or something. Not to be outdone, many of us non-women had an “anti-bachelorette fiesta” of sorts. While the real anti-bachelorette celebration will take place in Mexico in a little while, we settled for much pizza, beer, the viewing of a movie, and some “drunken frisbee golf”, as we like to call it, on Stanford’s campus. This is one of my favorite events. Indeed, it does consist of a certain amount of frisbee golf, but the “drunken” adjective is not as accurate as might be feared. There is, it is not to be doubted, a good amount of alcohol which is consumed beerly. However, the primary attraction to “DFG” is not any actual state of drunkenness (which, as good Christians, we studiously avoided), but rather a state I like to call “playing frisbee golf with a cigarette and pulling a cooler of cheap beer behind us every once in a while drinking some”. For some reason the image is just plain titillating. Beer or no, I had one of my better rounds on the Stanford course, finishing like 10 over par or something.

Event 3: Tonight (Sunday), I went to church. Gasp! It has been a while. But I had ulterior motives. Not, surprisingly, to ogle at hot church-going women (though that may or may not have been a previous ulterior motive). In fact, his greatness himself, the fabulous NT Wright, deigned to speak at MPPC’s “Postmodern” evening service. Candles and big TV screens in full effect, NT gave one of the better talks I’ve heard inside the walls of a church in a long time. I’m not at the moment in a position to sum up the talk, but suffice it to say it scratched my itchings. I haven’t read much of Wright’s considerable bibliography, but am now planning on it. I also find myself wishing the man hadn’t decided to get involved in the church. If he had opted to stay in academics, for instance, I would have been easily persuaded to travel to Oxford and study under him (such was his facility with history, philosophy, and theology).

Apart from these events, there were also two amazing birthday parties (at Tiburon and Half Moon Bay, respectively), and three amazing games of Ultimate Frisbee. Today at our third game session, I felt a magically-increased ability to read the disc, to run to wherever it was, and to just generally be happy with my performance (a relative first for me in the realm of sports). I suppose I have always underestimated the power of practice to actually make better the thing practiced. Maybe it is because I’ve always quit things when the practicing got slightly difficult–but Ultimate has kept my attention quite well, and I am happy to call it my favorite team sport. (And no I am not a hippie). Also, not to be forgotten, I held a CD release party for Splendour Hyaline’s latest offering. A good number of my friends showed up and we rocked out to my music. Apart from the ego-stroking, it was a very meaningful time and I was glad to celebrate the completion of a new art project with many of those I love.

In other news…I am planning on reading The Da Vinci Code. God help me and my literary (in)sensibilities.

Working on an improv synth solo for So Talk About It at 3am

I have a strong desire to share all our new songs with everyone here, but a few things remain to be worked out. First, I don’t have an “official” CD–David does, and he’s in Africa for a month. Second, I’m not naive enough to think that the mix I have will be final. We usually go through rounds of tweaking, and, while things sound excellent, there’re always one or two minor changes to make. Third, the album has no title. Fourth, the album has no artwork. I’d like all of these things to be present before I unveil everything officially. So just hold tight for now! I’ll probably break down and put one or two up here anyway, since the only reason I feel secure is that I am validated by my peers.

Speaking of being validated by my peers, let’s go on a tangent: those of you who are e4 weblog owners or frequenters might have noticed that I have added trackback capability to the e4 weblogs. Trackbacks are a cool example of the way the web is supposed to work–now, when you write entries, e4 will check out any links you make, and attempt to send a trackback ping to that site. If the site is trackback-enabled, it’ll accept the ping, and people who visit it will see that your entry references the page! Likewise all the weblogs here are now trackback-enabled, so anyone can send pings from Movable Type, WordPress, or wherever. Let’s just hope for no horrible spam!

(For you e4 bloggers, you can play with the trackback preferences at your weblog config page)

Well, I am now officially back in California for a while, so hopefully I’ll have time to write some more reflective posts soon. Ciao!

It should be said also that we did have an excellent time, were in great physical condition (we rocked the climb and the altitude) and health for the duration, and got back a day early, safe and sound. These are all good things, and the whole experience was overwhelmingly positive. I’m sure Dan and I will be writing a full trip report to post at Summit Whitney, so I’ll post here when that happens. At that time we should have a number of awesome pictures, too.

About a day after I got back from Whitney, I left for Florida to be at work and with family for a week and a half or so. Since my brother David has gotten in to Duke law school and will be moving to Durham pretty shortly, we decided that Splendour Hyaline (which consists of the two of us) needed to make a new record, and fast. So apart from work, we’re pretty much in the studio (Spareroom Studios, that is). So far things are going great–we’re planning on releasing a 5 or 6 song EP. The recording quality we’re getting, both mechanically and in terms of performance, is light years beyond our previous attempts, so definitely stay tuned; we might post some unofficial mixes here or at our myspace page.

On another music-related note, you’ll notice a new sidebar on my blog, which consists of recently-played tracks from iTunes. All e4 blogs now have the ability to get data from last.fm if you have a last.fm username and some implementation of AudioScrobbler (downloads here for all platforms). If you’ve never heard of last.fm, you should check it out–it’s a cool web application that tracks your music listening and gives you cool statistics about it, suggests new artists, and connects you with people with similar taste. All that is to say, if I’ve been listening to iTunes recently (and had an internet connection), you should now be able to see that info on my blog! (If you also have an e4 blog, just go to the weblog config page and put in your last.fm username to take advantage of this feature too).

Well, the days have gone by, and we’ve been training to the best of our ability; now we are on the eve of the climb. Right now Dan and I are having a gear check, then we’re going to start the drive to Lone Pine, CA, at the foot of Whitney. The drive is made longer since we can’t go through Yosemite at this time of year–we’ll have to go all the way up to Tahoe, then catch the 395 down. We hope to get in a bit of bouldering at Bishop if we have time.

I’m not exactly sure how the trip will go, but any worries will have to be put aside, since now is the time for action. It’s time to trust in our guides, our gear, our training, and our resolve to get us safely to the summit. The Summit for Someone website recommended that we ‘be in the best shape of [our] lives’ for the climb. It’s probably safe to say that we are!

We’ll do a full write-up and post pictures whenever we get back, after a hopefully successful summit. For now, your prayers for safety are appreciated! And of course, you have our thanks for following our progress and for donating to support our climb. We’re confident that your contribution will have a great impact on kids’ lives this summer.

Basically, Standpoint is an online community organized around formulations of, and reasons given for, beliefs. The basic unit of Standpoint is a “claim”, or a proposition, towards which you can take a few attitudes, including belief, consideration, or “disbelief” (which is more complicated). You can create your own claims, believe ones others created, disagree with people, and in general try to have discussions using very short, disjointed, and atomic sentences. At least that’s the idea–in practice, people aren’t very good at keeping things short, atomic, or well-formed, so it gets interesting (and at times frustrating to the logician-philosopher inside me).

Anyway, I thought that making it to 1000 beliefs was a fun landmark in the short existence of Standpoint–if you want to check my profile out, go to jlipps.standpoint.com. Please do sign up, play around, add your beliefs and reasons, ask to be my friend, etc! Some new features should also be rolling out soon that will greatly enhance the Standpoint experience.

The view from the hot tub (…of another hotel)

As the time approached, it became clear that much more work would be required than I thought. Building an online store is pretty rough, particularly when the API is complicated, uses lots of tools, any of which could break making it very hard to debug, and one is given no specifications at all for how it should work or what it should look like or what will even be in it. Moreover, since I don’t have a working PC at the moment, I was unable to test the design for IE as I was going along (and I didn’t want to in any case). I realized one night at about 1am that IE doesn’t support transparent PNG files (picture files), so all the cool little black-and-white auto-generated buttons you see in Firefox and Safari…well those were not-so-cool little black-and-white-and-neon-green buttons in IE. I tried a million hacks to get it to work, but to no avail with PHP-generated image code. And that was about 4 unplanned and unnecessary hours of wasted time.

So here’s the point: as soon as I realized that I would need to spend a lot of time on this, I went in to what I will call “consumed” mode. In other words, I decided that I would eat, drink, and not sleep coding this site until I was done. Of course, along with that decision came the loss of all vestiges of a healthy lifestyle…I was awake from 9 or 10 am until 5 am, sitting at my computer, not eating anything, like a little hunchback gnome typing away at keys. My right hand was and is completely fried–either tendonitis or something else render it a continual mass of dull pain. I switched over a year ago to using my mouse with my left hand, but it hasn’t really helped.

I realized throughout that, in consumed mode, I actually get a lot of stuff done! I mean, I didn’t read, go outside, make or play music, hang out with people, spend time thinking about life or real issues, or do any of the things that makes mine a well-rounded and satisfying existence…but I was a coding fiend. My work efficiency increased tenfold. It occurred to me how it must feel to be one of those people who really focuses on one single thing in life, and it was kind of cool. It made me wonder if that’s not a way I’m supposed to be…you see there’s something about my personality which makes it very easy to enter consumed mode when I first discover something new that I want to create or excel in. A sport, a class, a song, a book, a hobby, a writing project, anything… The initial moments are intense and productive, but then I quickly get bored or realize that it will actually take a lot of work, and I lose interest and move on to other things.

This habit has meant that I have had an extremely wide range of experiences, have tried many new things, and have the gear/paraphernalia for more hobbies/pursuits than anyone I know or have heard of. What it also means is that I tend not to (a) excel at things to the extend that I have the ability, and/or (b) finish projects that I start. On my computer right now are probably failed attempts at at least 5 novels, and twice as many sets of song lyrics. If it doesn’t happen in the first day, it doesn’t seem to happen at all. That’s typically the way my music writing goes–a blast of creativity, and then, if that spark doesn’t carry me through to completion…the song usually never gets fully written and I forget about it.

So, I have been trying to think differently and grow in my creativity by actually setting aside time to work diligently on songs or writings. I’m working on a song now, for instance, where for the first time I sat down with paper and pen, drew out staves, and worked on a melody line in standard musical nutation, over the course of a whole week. It’s giving me a lot of frustrations and when I sit down with a guitar to work on more of it, I’m always tempted to try something else that holds the promise of being a quick project. However, I’m trying to believe that by actually working on this song, it will be better, not worse, for the amount of time I put into it. We shall see.

I’m very wary, of course, about committing too much to one thing (i.e., being in consumed mode all the time). I mean, I very much feel the pain of not being able to say that I am passionate about one and only one thing. In fact, I felt that pain tonight very strongly, as I went climbing with a group of people who are all vastly more committed to the pursuit than I am. I felt like I very much wanted to commit myself to climbing to the same degree, so that I could do the things they were doing and have the ability to climb so many more routes and types of routes than I can now. But, I knew that if I made that decision, I would have to give up so many more things…and I just can’t bring myself to do that.

Ultimately, I’m not sure what is the most healthy for me. Some people are in consumed mode for work all the time, and others for a sport or a hobby. I can’t seem to want to live there for very long. What surprised me most of all, to tell the truth, was that I was able to force myself into it these last few days at all! It must say something about the type of work that I have that, when my paycheck is neither on the line (that I know of) nor overlarge, I’m still willing and able to pull 4 all-nighters in a row for a project. I wouldn’t have thought it possible in general, but especially for that length of time. Now the task is to re-enter life and to try and find a healthy balance. Finding this balance will be more on the forefront of my mind now, however, as I’ll maybe start to think if there any things I should let go in order to excel in other things I love more deeply. Honestly, I think the problem is that I love so many things to such a deep degree that that would be a nonsensical venture. I’ll be thinking about it, though, especially now that I know that spending a lot of time on something actually produces results–it’s an alien concept to my personality.

Note: if the event which I am describing has been written about previously on one of my weblogs or something similar, I offer a link to that entry, called “read more…”.

• 2005 began somewhat inauspiciously at my family’s then-residence in Orlando, along with most of my Stanford draw group. We were too busy playing cards and drinking white russians to give the incoming year much attention, so it sort of snuck in. More importantly, as has likely been told previously, New Year’s 2005 was situated in the middle of a very significant process for me, namely making the decision to move back to California or not. I’d spent a good amount of time back in Palo Alto since November, and had talked seriously with some friends there about forming a sort of spiritual community. Of course, I eventually moved (see below), but at that time things were very much still in the air, and so I was constantly weighing options and feelings, and hoping that God would lead me one way or the other. (read more…)
• (Early January) Version 1 of e4:online (the web app I have been developing for Teleios since Oct 2004) went live. It had minimal features, and looked a whole lot worse than it does now. It still doesn’t look/work quite well enough, so the last year has been spent on the same project, which will hopefully be more done soon.
• (January 16) I ran a half-marathon by myself in Orlando, in 1h50m. It marks the longest distance I’ve ever run (the record still stands). Unfortunately, shortly thereafter my knees begin to act up which impedes my running for the rest of the year. (read more…)
• (January 20) Back in Palo Alto, I write a song which is tentatively called “Chapter II”. The song is significant because it is the first to be written for the concept album I recently imagined. It’s basically a story-format album, with each chapter unfolding a bit more of, for lack of a better genre, a fairy tale. Since then, I’ve written a number of other songs for the album (including the one also for Nyffy’s wedding–see below), though it is not finished at the end of 2005. “Chapter II” was later recorded in April (get it here.
• (January 22) In what was, in hindsight, the first community retreat for our group in Palo Alto, a few of us went up to my family’s apartment in San Francisco for a weekend, with the goal of hammering out a vision of community we could put into words and use as an invitation for our friends. We wanted something fairly concrete to approach others with, and so we spent a good many hours thinking, writing, and praying. This event was significant for a number of reasons. It more or less defined the shape of the experiment that we wanted to try over the next year, but beyond that, it solidified my feeling that the best course of action for me was in fact to move back to Palo Alto.
• (January 23) At the end of the weekend, we had a meeting with about 15 people at the Bott household, and shared our vision with them. Out of that night, probably more than any other specific moment, came the community which is now my home.
• (Early February) I met with my boss Pavi over lunch and inform him of my intentions to move to California. Out of sheer graciousness, he agreed to let me continue working for Teleios (then Excelsis) long-distance from the west coast. With only such green lights ahead, I felt increasingly confident that I had made the right decision. (read more…).
• (February 8) I gathered what things I could fit on the airplane and flew to San Jose, officially moving to California. 3 months ago, the idea would have been completely preposterous, but now it had happened (read more…).
• (Rest of February) I lived in the 447 house with a bunch of girls, since I had no place to stay in Palo Alto, and since Erin was gone for the month on a trip to Peru, leaving an empty room in the house. It was a really fun time, and I discovered that for the most part girls are fairly pleasant house companions. Cleaner, on the whole. I lived at their place until April (excepting the few times when Erin was in town, of course).
• (March 2) I flew back to Orlando for a few days to pack up my car and belongings, in preparation for the drive out to California which would complete my move. Erin had agreed to co-pilot cross-country, so we weaved our way west, stopping to see various people we knew along the road.
• (March etc) For a month or so, I took a break from working on the web app and spent some time fixing up and outlining the transcript for Graham Tomlin’s summer 2004 course. This was a significant experience for me, as it enabled me to engage once again with material that was very formative in terms of my current faith experience, especially as it pertained to community.
• (March 23) Started writing iRateTunes, which I finished about a month later. (more…)
• (March 30) I flew to Gainesville to be with my brother David, whose engagement with a girl had just ended. They were to be married in a few months, and it was an incredibly hard time for him and our family. Dav and I needed something to do, so that’s when we recorded “Chapter II”.
• (April 10) Excelsis becomes Teleios. What will be next? Will it be another word in some ancient language?
• (April 11) I moved in with Justin Smith and Dan Gannon at the unused Young Life house in East Palo Alto. EPA is a very different place than the Palo Alto across the 101, and things like shootings and drug deals happen all too frequently. So close to Stanford, but we were very insulated there from the reality on the other side of the highway. Justin and Dan each had their own reasons for living there. Mine were (a) cheap rent, (b) living with Justin, and (c) exploring life in a less affluent part of Palo Alto, to see if maybe our community had a place in a location like that. I lived there with Justin until early July, when we finally got our current apartment (and were kicked out because Young Life decided to use the house again). I avoided buying any furniture and successfully slept in a sleeping bag for 3 months, and managed to live very simply there. I can’t say that I even tried to integrate myself into the surrounding neighborhood community, except for sporadic (but meaningful) conversations in Spanish with our next-door neighbor. Ultimately, while the state of the area did constantly break my heart, the issues our own community of friends were exploring demanded all of my time and passion.
• (All spring) Things with community had begun to pick up, and we had started to have long dinner-gatherings once a week. These facilitated our drawing closer as a group, our exploration of many topics (including the one of service-based housing choices etc), our worshiping together, and so on. In addition, our lives began to be more integrated with one another’s, and we experienced many cool events and times together which I will not chronicle here. These experiences, of course, were not always attended only by benefits, but sometimes frustrations as well, which was to be expected.
• (April 17) We started planning for our community retreat to Costa Rica, which eventually took place in August
• (April 23) Epic backpacking trip in Big Sur with the guys, replete with really cold hot springs.
• (April 27) Flew to Gainesville for my brother David’s graduation from UF.
• (April 28) Started reading El Alquimista, which, since I actually finished it, became the first full-length Spanish book I read, apart from the New Testament
• (April/May) Community had discussions centered around whether or not we wanted to live all together in one big house, or more separately. I had a lot of excitement towards the idea of living together, and it didn’t pan out, which was frustrating. (read more…).
• (May 12) Family retreat in Napa.
• (May 28) Epic trip to Santa Barbara (see pictures…)
• (June 1) Ultimately, in lieu of the community house idea, 5 of us guys decided to find an apartment together. We ended up choosing College Terrace over EPA, which was a hard decision but made because we did not feel that the community was ready to be placed in an environment like that yet, and moreover some in the community in PA would have refused to go to EPA for various reasons anyhow; we put a high premium on physical proximity. So began the serious hunt for apartments
• (June) Climbing in Pinnacles, Su Madre movers day, epic night-hike of half-dome, and Nyffy’s wedding in St Augustine (for which I had the honor of writing a song). (Read a lot more / see pictures…)
• (Late June) My family moved homes in Orlando, to the place where I’m now writing.
• (Late June) Nyffelers move to Palo Alto and find a place a mile from our future residence, it is awesome! Thus commences auditory readings of Harry Potter 6.
• (Early July) My future roommates and I finally found a place to live in College Terrace, right by Stanford. Miraculously, two 2-bedroom places opened up right next to each other, and right next to the Botts’ apartment. So 7 of us were in the same building, if not the same house!
• (July 11) I sprained my ankle very badly playing tennis, which put me out of athletic commission until Costa Rica, mid-August.
• (August 1) I write one of the more important blog entries of the year: My Defining Sadnesses
• (August 9) Current design goes live at teleios.us!
• (August 10) Community retreat for 2 weeks in Costa Rica; there are 10 of us. It is a very incredible time–overseas, so I love it, and I get to use and refine my Spanish. We rent two 4WD SUVs and go all over the country, exploring beaches and jungle. We get to a cool spot and spend 5 days there, pretty much all alone, which is a very meaningful time spiritually for all of us, and it really solidifies the community. For perhaps the first time, I feel that we are all on the same page. (read more…)
• (September 3) Another epic backpacking trip in Hetch-Hetchy with the guys. I spend most of my time in the beautiful scenery rather depressed about girls, and take any opportunity to go climb up rocks and hills by myself, and stare off into space, and feel alien to the world. This feeling only intensifies over the next few months, and begins to define my experience, which I write about later. Anyway, (see pictures).
• (September 13) Justin and I code podornot.com (read more…)
• (September 14-15) At Anne’s invitation, I speak to two of her history classes about philosophy. It’s the first time I’ve taught since I TA’ed a few years ago, and it was a really cool experience.
• (Mid September) Community stuff begins to be very frustrating to me, and I begin to see a lot in myself that I don’t particularly like as well, especially in terms of how I interact with others in the community. These frustrations eventually come to an emotional head in late October / November before they are resolved. (read more…)
• (September 26) I turn 23. (read more…)
• (September 30) In a move somewhat reminiscent of desperation, I decide to e-mail one of Jenna’s Italian girl friends. She seems cool and then all of a sudden stops responding. Oh well!
• (October 2) I finish reading the Kierkegaard anthology I have been working through. Reading the book was a very deep and spiritual experience, and propelled my thinking further than it had been before in a lot of areas. (read more…)
• (August - October) Sigur Ros’ new album, Takk, completely captivates me, particularly their music video for “Glosoli”. (read more…)
• (October 13) Recent interactions with Christians push me further and further away from any stake I have or want to have in Christian culture, and I express it by writing this.
• (October 14) I ran the Palo Alto moonlight 10k, the first race I’d done since freshman year. I did well, coming in at 44:40. Importantly, my body felt healthy during “training” and after the run.
• (October 15) Dan and I were accepted for the Whitney climb for 2006’s Summit for Someone campaign. (blog entry to come)
• (October 23) Saw the most amazing sunset of the year with friends, at Windy Hill. (read more…)
• (October 31) Nick, Jenna, and Justin accompanied me to Orlando for Teleios’ seminar with Alister McGrath, which we filmed at a Disney soundstage. It was an amazing week which reawakened my love of academic interaction (I got to spend a bit of one-on-one time with Dr McGrath and ask some relatively burning philosophical questions), and awakened an interest in his project of a “scientific theology”. I got a copy of his recently-published trilogy, and am working through it now–it is very fruitful for my current thoughts on many issues. (read more…)
• (November 7) Some tensions based on different understandings of the vision/goal of the group had been slowly building within the community. We were able to lay these out on the table and discuss them in a very healthy and growthful way, which was incredible. Where we ended left me very sad, though, owing primarily to the way I’d been using community emotionally in a potentially-unhealthy way. Realizing this, and where other people were at, left me feeling simultaneously foolish, alone, and abandoned. I understood that a lot of what had happened fit similar patterns to how things tend to develop romantically for me. This brought to the fore the frustrations with that sphere, and illustrated how they undergird most, if not all, of what appear to be my central hurts. Such thoughts propelled me into a state of despair (a better word than depression) like I hadn’t experienced (or hadn’t allowed myself to). That’s when I wrote this entry. A few days later, I wrote the corresponding song. While these exercises helped, especially in the area of anger against God, the feelings I describe still define, though more dimly and numbly, my current day-to-day experience. I am not excited about this, and hope more than anything else that 2006 holds the key to moving on from here.
• (November 17) I finally finished rating my whole iTunes library. (read more…)
• (November 20) Went to Orlando for a really wonderful Thanksgiving weekend with my family and extended family (from both sides). Also, for certain reasons felt a good deal more hope, unrelatedly in regards to both community and women, than on November 7.
• (November 23) My brother Dav and I recorded a Christmas EP (more…) at our new studio, which we designed along with our family’s new house in Orlando, and which is awesome. In fact, throughout the last six months we had been piecing together songs for a new album–not the concept album I mentioned, but a re-recording of many older Splendour Hyaline songs, and some new ones as well. The recording is slow going, but the quality we are getting is fantastic, and we can’t wait to share the fruits of these labors with you.
• (December 1) Our community had a weekend retreat in Tahoe, which contained a good deal of hanging around. It was significant because I felt that the tensions which seemed so sharp in October and November had lessened a good deal, and we were all able to interact as friends and spiritual compatriots regardless…which seemed a rare and awesome gift in any group of people.
• (December 8) I saw The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, which was a very emotional and powerful experience for me. Those stories have been such a part of my life and mythology for so long (I mean, our band is named “Splendour Hyaline”…) that seeing many things come to life on the screen just caused me to weep. I never wrote any sort of review of it, but my friend Mr Lowe has done a wonderful job, so I don’t feel the need to.
• (December 15) My family flew to England to meet up with my sister, who is attending Capernwray this year, up north of Manchester. We wandered around the lake district, and then on to Wales. The trip was excellent because (a) the UK is a very magical place for me (maybe owing to the stories I read as a child, which were usually written by Brits), (b) of all the many times I’ve been there, it has never been right before Christmas, so it seemed extra magical, and (c) it very rudely reawakened my passionate desire to be in different cultures and learning different languages. There was a deep sense of nostalgia hearing people speak Welsh, even though I’d never heard it before. At this point I don’t know what the long-term significance of that reawakening will be, if anything meaningful. (read more…)
• (December 25) Christmas came and went without too much in the way of ceremony this year. Still, as my favorite holiday, it was a special time, and helped to ease the pain that had been surrounding my heart over the last few months.

And that brings us to now, where I sit writing. Let that, therefore, suffice for 2005.

I’m now waiting for the first of our New Year’s guests to arrive. We are expecting quite a crowd this year and I am looking forward to an epic party. Guests and drinking mean, of course, that the observational entries I promised regarding the UK will have to wait (and, if history is any indication, will never arrive), and I will next be writing to you from 2006!

For now, let us offer one final toast to 2005, which held so much change and so many surprises, good and bad; and, as always, so many indicators of God’s faithfulness (though they were sometimes, and often still seem, very hard to see). Cheers!

I’m not sure exactly how many songs I had then, but it was probably in the vicinity of 5,000. So even if I rated one song a second, it would have taken an hour and a half. What I decided to do, though, to be fair, was to listen to each song fully before rating it. If an average song is 3 minutes, we need to multiply that 1.5 hours by 180–270 hours! I was somewhat optimistic that this 270 hours would pass by quickly while I was working or what not.

I soon discovered that rating songs one-by-one in iTunes was a somewhat inefficient task, given that the only way to rate something was to go into iTunes and click on the little star for that particular song. Not a bad method if you’re already in iTunes, but if you are working on something else and would rather not have your workflow interrupted every 3 minutes, it’s less than optimal. So I wrote some software (iRateTunes) that let me rate songs with keystrokes, without going to iTunes.

(I also created a little app that showed me info about my iTunes library in the OS X status bar, including the number of songs left to be rated, and the total amount of time I’d spent listening to songs in iTunes. This was so I could monitor my progress)

Still, even with these tools, it was slow going. It turned out that the mental energy required to rate song after song was somewhat exhausting, so if I could get 100 done per day, that was good. Most days I got far fewer songs rated, and some not at all, depending on the intensity required by my work. An even more exhausting task was keeping a consistent standard with which to rate the songs. There are all sorts of options–should the ratings be relative to just the songs in my library? Or should it be relative to all the songs in pop culture? Should I try to keep a nice bell curve, so that there are about as many 1-star songs as 5-star songs, and far more 3-stars than either? In the end, I’m not sure I was super-consistent.

But anyway. Today, over a year after I began, my iTunesCount status bar reads: “6794/0 | 52.74” This means that I have 6794 songs in my library, and 0 are unrated! Finally! The 52.74 lets me know that the total amount of song air time with this iTunes library is 52.74 days (I created the library in July of 2004). That’s 1,265 hours! And I don’t let iTunes run while I’m not there listening.

Stats per rating category: 1-star: 443 songs (6.5%) 2-star: 801 songs (11.8%) 3-star: 2752 songs (40.5%) 4-star: 1836 songs (27%) 5-star: 962 songs (14.2%)

Basically, I haven’t been able to think of a negative adjective recently that hasn’t in some way or another been able to apply (truthfully and in full reflective honesty) to myself. My “bad state” is not any low self-esteem resulting from that observation, however. On the contrary, it is precisely the opposite–I really can’t bring myself to want to be any different right now. Different than what? Well, my thoughts and actions are being ruled by desire, anger, passion, arrogance, loneliness, distrust, self-pity, impatience, selfishness, lust, frustration, jealousy, deceit, and fear, and I am enjoying it all too much to want to escape my dark little corner. I feel myself pulling away from my friends and not wanting to talk to them. I feel very poignantly the gulf that separates each of us, but I do not want to call on Christ to bridge that. I am tired of how different I feel from everyone, tired of the loneliness of which I am such a connoisseur, since it so quickly drives me to dwell on my self-inflicted self-image (self-illusion, self-delusion): dark, wrapped in a black cloak, hiding great thoughts and great power that no one else understands or cares to understand, seeing things others don’t, too proud to give up my precious individuality and collapse into the sea of mundane personality, of people who can’t see beyond their closed eyelids, can’t see or hear or smell or taste or feel the beauty that is in the world, the terrible darkness and sorrow that define the noble soul… This is what I imagine myself becoming, and I love it. I plunge in wholeheartedly and wallow in it, and it is a self-reinforcing cycle, since because no one else follows me to that place, it further illuminates the loneliness which defines the illusion. It is a dark and joyless fantasy which I adopt to become mysterious, to become a mystery which I desperately hope someone will want to solve (yeah, right). I cry out like a child for someone to do that, to come and find me in the storm of my own devising, but no one notices the whirlwind of aloofness ironically designed to attract; to everyone else, I am just like they are (but with flashes of melodrama, which is what this entry will be chalked up to). And so bitterness grows and becomes a palpable wedge and I want to run. I want to run now, away from the mess of misunderstanding and hurt feelings and people that have gone from being my salvation to being my despair. I want to be alone with myself, but then again that’s the last thing I want… I don’t know what I want, and this confusion goes right to the core of things and sometimes I am so befuddled with it I want to hurt people just so they will send me away. I want to hurt the people I am supposed to, whom I want to love, so that they push me away so I don’t have to love them, because I can’t give that. The black-cloaked, high-minded wanderer does not reveal himself in love! No–he is pursued and uncovered and persuaded to love by someone who has discovered how to do this pursuing and persuading, and then he is able to love. But right now, love cannot escape the cloak–his unnoticed “mystery” (plea for attention) suffocates it before it can be free and bring life…

It has been a long time since I have found so much ugliness in myself, and my response is isolation. When I am with people, I am only reminded of lack: they cannot give what I need, and I cannot be what they want… But when I am with myself, I am only reminded of my own insufficiency. (Oh yeah, God doesn’t seem interested in meeting those needs either). For the first time in perhaps ever, I feel hope truly dying. Hope that this community experiment would start me on a path that would remain new and exciting and would change my life forever. Hope that some girl that I want to love me would actually want that too. Hope that there are hidden and beautiful things just waiting to be named. Hope that I would stop writing blog entries in anger against God and just fucking submit. All kinds of hope, draining through the floor as I type. Underneath my cynical exterior, I have always been deeply hopeful. Now, I sit here and stare ahead, and in my deepest of hearts, it really does look dark. I moved to California for the hope of living out faith in a community that I could be myself in without neverending conflict, and for the hope of finding someone to love. A year later, I don’t just feel no closer, I feel tricked.

I don’t know whether it is God, the world, or myself, that has done the deceiving, and I don’t really care. None of the options make any sense to me. A month ago I was hopeful, and my life was as integrated as it had ever been. Now, I’ve never felt any more dis integrated, and despair is in my lungs like water, drowning me. All the things I thought were real and true have been laid bare, deconstructed, and at the bottom of many of them I see my own plans, my own machinations, my own desires, my own subconscious urgings…and maybe nothing more. I see the same motives of mine that have caused me so much pain in the past being replayed in new contexts, being brought out all of a sudden like a twist in the plot, and I’m devastated.

Enough words. Here is how I feel: I want it to rain for a long time. I want to call it forth and let it run like rivers all over, and I don’t want it to stop.

• Semifreddis cinnamon swirl bread
• Drinking tea again, since it’s cold enough to
• The Velvet Teen
• Jimmy Eat World’s Stay on My Side Tonight EP
• Takk
• Jed’s Other Poem
• Installing Kubuntu and trying to get wireless drivers working
• Ndiswrapper (see previous item)
• Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell
• Ruby on Rails
• Cron + PHP for the win in easy archive/backup
• “tail -f access_log | grep IP” for tracking use patterns on this site in real time, and “tail -f access_log” in general for a good procrastination method
• The World of Warcraft grind
• Flaming Dr. Peppers
• The Palo Alto Moonlight 10k (for complicated reasons having to do with not paying the sign-up fee, I ran as “Ryan Frederick”, in the 30-39 division, though I am still only 23)
• Intense ultimate frisbee with friends
• Dropping temperatures and overcast skies
• Pad Thai all the time
• Harry Potter VI out loud with Nyffy (the Chris one)
• The Firefly Complete Series
• Arrested Development - Season One
• favicon.ico
• Pizza + beer + WoW with my brother at my family’s place in San Francisco
• Uncomfortable honesty
• A dream in progress
• Strong community
• Hope that doesn’t die for some reason

(OK, I did get a little deep at the end; I couldn’t help it!)

I want to leave you, my good reader who has valiantly suffered through my musings on Kierkegaard, with something he said near the end of the address, and which I think is what Kierkegaard himself would have wanted us to remember maybe more than anything else in his massive corpus:

Imagine a solitary wayfarer, a desert wanderer. Almost burned by the heat of the sun, languishing with thirst, he finds a spring. O refreshing coolness! Now God be praised, he says–and yet it was merely a spring he found; what then must not he say who found God!

And then:

But Thou, O God, who art unchangeable, Thou art always and invariably to be found, and always to be found unchanged. Whether in life or in death, no one journeys so far afield that Thou art not to be found by him, that Thou art not there, Thou who art everywhere. It is not so with the well-springs of the earth, for they are to be found only in special places. And besides–overwhelming security!–Thou dost not remain, like the spring, in a single place, but Thou dost follow the traveller on his way. Ah, and no one ever wanders so far astray that he cannot find the way back to Thee, Thou who art not merely as a spring that may be found–how poor and inadequate a description of what Thou art!–but rather as a spring that itself seeks out the thirsty traveller, the errant wanderer: who has ever heard the like of any spring! Thus Thou art unchangeably always and everywhere to be found. And whenever any human being comes to Thee, of whatever age, at whatever time of the day, in whatever state: if he comes in sincerity he always finds Thy love equally warm, like the spring’s unchanged coolness, O Thou who art unchangeable! Amen!

Amen, indeed.

We spent hours each day getting to know each other more and learning of our deepest-rooted fears and hopes and scars, in the context of a real adventure where we forded rivers with 4x4s and got stuck in potholes multiple feet deep.

We were able to find our own little place on the Guanacaste coast and stay there for 5 days, having practically our own private beach to surf and play in. Each night we were treated to the best and most authentic Italian food we have ever had, prepared by a talented chef solely for our group (including fresh, hand-made pasta) and served by an impishly delightful old Italian woman, world traveler and former NYC dancer.

We were able to sink into a rhythm for a few days that did not consist only of work and sleep, but something more real as we felt the freedom to engage in each other’s lives without worrying what else we had to do.

In truth, we fell in love with Costa Rica, with its country motto, its country beer, its country liquor… But more importantly the people and the way of life we saw, which while so much more crude in some senses than life here in the US, was so much more beautifully simple. There were many dreaming discussions about moving down there, starting a school for local children (including ours eventually), teaching in a new and more profoundly spiritual way, building homes without cutting down trees, and developing without destroying the essence of the place (which destruction we saw beginning to happen with American-owned resorts popping up along the coast). Big dreams and big ideas, from the philosophy of education to housing development!–see, the kingdom knows no boundaries.

And lastly, we talked long and hard about how we could maintain some of the practices we engaged in upon returning to our Silicon Valley locale. We are very hopeful that our experience will help kickstart a new, more vibrant, and more prophetic way of life here. But honestly, now that we are back, I think we are all a little overwhelmed at the difficulty of that task. The first thing I did when coming home was to check the absurd amount of e-mail I received, and it reminded me of all the subtle ways in which our culture literally oppresses us and makes true community, true life, nearly impossible at times.

If we can figure out how to maintain our spiritual order here, though… if we can do that–I believe it will be one of the most powerful and miraculous things that can happen. And that is our hope.