three things are contributing to the huge hole in my heart right now:
1. coming back to real life from an international trip, having travelled 22 hours to do so.
2. having emily torn from me again. i hate distance.
3. thinking that i will have to wake up at 8 tomorrow to do the homework that i was unable to finish on the trip
i’m sort of in the mood where i would cry if i could but my heart is a little too dulled from loneliness of travel too feel like anything other than a solid lump. i’m sort of in the mood where i want to write music, but i know any attempts at lyrics would be sacrilege. the inexpressibility of feelings is a copout, i know, but there are some things that i need to keep to myself before putting into song.
it was a good trip.
but i miss england. i miss long cozy plane flights. i miss adventure. i miss emily. i miss her kisses, her hands. i miss my friends, my family. i miss life. i miss having a heart. i miss caring. i miss feeling. i miss having a will. i hate stoicism. i hate stone faces. i hate hard hearts. i hate failure. i hate indecision. i hate grace, because i resent needing it. i hate circles and spirals. i need love. i need a deep well of spirit. i need something more to go on. i need rest. i need action. i need a king to serve, a sword, a strong arm to wield it, fire in my eyes and heart. i need fantasy. i need reality. i need heaven. i need peace. be still.
virtual disc on spin: it’s hard to find a friend | pedro the lion
