i’m leaving in 2.5 hours. i don’t know what to make of this recently-past quarter. it certainly had some of the crappiest moments in recent history. i got blasted in each of my classes at some point, my inner life slowly deteriorated, my walk with god was part of my inner life, and my end of things in my relationship with emily gradually sunk into blackness.
which is where i still am — i have no clue what i’m supposed to be doing with her, and i don’t have the capacity to deal with the mess of feelings. sometimes [lately] i surprise myself by how angry, hateful, spiteful, and ugly i can be inside my own head. and i’m not normally that way. something’s obviously wrong, but i don’t know what or how it can be fixed.
we’ll find out in a week or two whether i defeated my classes or whether they defeated me.
as for my inner life…i guess i just wish it was excited enough about doing what is good and right and true to actually do it. right now it’s seeking gratification, not god.
i guess that’s it, in conclusion. that’s this quarter. not a lot of really important bright spots come to mind. i can remember isolated talks with friends, isolated moments of victory, and isolated moments of true behavior, but these were wavering lights amidst a great dark. more, light.
how did i get my little boat this far out? where did the sun go? i suppose there’s nothing to do but bail out water and wait for help. no use paddling in circles. but it’s so cold and lonely and dark. when is morning?
goodbye, winter quarter 2002, and good riddance.
virtual disc on spin: delicate fade | common children
