May 2005 In a Somewhat Disorganized Review

I’m forcing myself to write, simply because I haven’t in so long. The ironic thing is, of course, that there’s no lack of things to write about. In fact, as an interesting historical note of particular relevancy, I even made a little sticky of some topics to blog about at one point, since I thought they were good topics. Now this is something I’ve never done, so I was pretty sure that I would get around to writing about these topics, seeing as I’d made a reminder to do that and all. No luck!

One of those topics was the death of apologetics as a useful Christian enterprise–not that we no longer need to study it, but that it is no longer sufficient on its own to do any real good for the world. I won’t get into my reasons for thinking this (which would take a real weblog entry that I don’t feel like writing), but instead note that thinking about this topic was occasioned by going through my old e-mails. You see, I’ve kept every e-mail I’ve ever sent or received since early 1999. For some reason, I felt like switching from Entourage to Mail 2.0 as my default e-mail client, and so I had to import my Entourage folders into Mail. Mail started importing, but as the e-mail count reached 20,000 before the progress indicator got to 50%, I decided that some cleaning up was in order.

I went back to Entourage and decided to go through all my archived e-mails and permanently delete the unimportant ones–you know, the mass mailings, the spam, and the like. Let me tell you, going through thousands of e-mail messages by hand is not a quick or easy task. But it had some fringe benefits. I got to skim over a lot of the things I wrote and received in the process, and some of it was shocking. Not so much because it was bad, but because it exhibited a personality and a faith which are so very different from those I have now. Anyway, much of my time in 1999 and 2000 was devoted to studying and disseminating apologetic concepts, so much so that in a number of e-mails I wrote to people about my Stanford acceptance, I claimed that the only reason I was going was to set up an apologetics ministry to those “smart kids”.

I read stuff like that and smiled…such passion and naive pride, unaware of the events that were to unfold which would cause a revolution in how I saw God, my faith, and even (in particular) my reasons for being at Stanford. Now, after 5 years of intense study, I hope (and think) I’ve come away with a more healthy and humble view of my ability to desire and understand truth.

So there’s an example of some of the things I’ve been wanting to write about. I’ve also wanted to log some recent events in my usual over-flowery prose, for posterity. I can’t recall when the last time I really wrote anything of substance was, but since then I’ve flown back and forth to Florida a number of times, once for my brother Dav’s graduation from the University of Florida. It was a wonderful time, and I was proud of him–he double-majored in philosophy and political science, in only three years!

Of note, my whole family came out here to San Francisco a few weeks ago, and we had a retreat of sorts that lasted 3 or 4 days. We spent some time up in Napa, and even had this complete health spa experience, replete with mud bath, mineral bath, sauna, massage, etc… It was absolutely incredible, though of course overpriced. We were also able to do some hiking in Muir woods, watch the Godfather trilogy, hang out at our apartment in SF, and have a good number of philosophical/theological conversations. At any rate, it was a much-needed break and together-time for all of us, despite the philosophical conversations.

I’ve also started flying back to Orlando (from my rather undefined home here in East Palo Alto / Palo Alto) for about a week a month, in order to check in to the Teleios (no longer Excelsis) office. This last week was one of those weeks, and I spent it holed away in Pavi’s office, coding like mad. It felt good to sprint for awhile, especially since I’ve felt recently like I’ve been more or less treading water with work. Well, no more! I’ve got enough on my plate now to last me to July. What’s better, it’s stuff that I enjoy thinking about–very creative app design stuff with which the details of which I won’t bore you.

Unfortunately, this is where the brightness and happiness ends. For some reason, the last month or so has had more than its share of hardships (relatively speaking, of course–emotionally, I’m sure I have things easier than just about anyone else). Of some note are the physical ones: I’ve had a pretty high standard for my physical ability recently, particularly in the areas of rock climbing, running, and ultimate frisbee. Unfortunately, a sort of recurring knee injury has come back in full force and severely limited my ability for and the enjoyment of those activities. That, and I’m beginning to think that my computing habits are taking their toll on my neck, back, and hands, and wreaking all sorts of havoc. Then there is a laundry list of other minor things that are wrong with me from head to toe, all of which I should have seen a physician about months ago, but have been putting it off. That’s got to change.

I haven’t touched my guitar or keyboard in a few weeks, and I’ve been feeling decidedly un-creative. I’ve got to use creativity for work projects, and for some other things I’ve been developing, but I’ve been frustrated with my lack of artistic progress. I have so many things in my head that I feel would make worthwhile songs, but every time I sit down to write lyrics or otherwise solidify the idea, I’m unsatisfied. The idea is either too cynical or not cynical enough. Not original enough. Too inauthentic. Or any other of a number of things which make me despair.

But most importantly, things with community out here have been more frustrating than normal. As you know, I moved back out to Stanford in January to work with a community of friends on how we can be church, in some meaningful and important sense which we’ve been trying to discover together. One idea we were throwing around was whether we should try and get one big place and all live in it together, reminiscent of monasticism, or the early church, which everyone is so fond of pointing at. We’ve been thinking about this idea, and how it could fit in with our larger goals and values, for a number of months now. I was a pretty big proponent of the plan, for a number of reasons, and despite all the trials I foresaw as a result of it. In our discussions, it seemed like people (roughly 8 of us) were excited about the idea and open to moving forward with it.

Last week we had a meeting to make a decision once and for all on the issue, because we couldn’t put off looking for housing any longer if we were going to do it. And all of a sudden, the idea kind of fell apart. For a few not-bad reasons, some people had to say they couldn’t be a part of it, and as a result others couldn’t (it’s complicated), and as a result, poof! It was gone. Not just “it”–the dream was gone. Now, I have to trust the process we went through, and I have to realize that the community house idea was an idea which was always only meant to be ancillary to the larger community vision which all of us still share. Still, I saw it as something which would particularly challenge and grow us and push us towards realizing that vision, while challenging societal norms, being provocative, etc…

Add to that a general lack of momentum with community things (various events which we were trying to hold regularly just haven’t happened, and none of us have really been pushing forward to make them happen, whether because of being out of town or being busy or whatever), and it’s kind of depressing. For the first time since November, I’m sensing a real lack of excitement amongst us. I can’t decide where this is coming from, but it’s not fun and I’m not sure how to proceed. It’s a hard time of the year, anyway–many of us are finishing school and moving away, others are going away temporarily, yet others are going on small trips here and there… So there’s a real practical inability to be committed in the way that I would want us to be, and without that the whole heart of the community suffers.

My heart also decided it would be a good time to wrestle with its nemesis–love. Or the lack of it. Or the desire for it. Or the misunderstanding of it. Or all of the above. There’s no need to detail my inner train of thought whenever my mind happens to alight on something which relates to love (which is about, oh, every 5 milliseconds). I’m sure it’s more or less the same for everyone. What’s interesting, and frustrating, is that I feel I’ve never been so (a) desirous of love, and (b) desirous of not desiring love in the way I have been desiring it, at the same time. The first is easy to understand. Everyone goes through that at some point, some more than others (let my bitterness tell you in which camp I belong).

The second is a bit harder, but part of it comes from a realization that most of the pain I experience is a result of my chasing after love without heeding wisdom or the possibility that I am likely blinding myself on some things just in order to have a chase. This leads to a distrust of the heart.

I’m left in the very uncomfortable position of desperately dreaming of love and feeling ready to begin to explore it in the way that it is meant to be explored, and yet realizing that anything I myself do towards that end is likely to be unwise, deluded, and futile. It’s like…say you’re a runner, and there are runners all around you heading towards the finish line. So you’re pretty sure that you’re supposed to be heading towards this finish line too, but you know that if you take one more step, your legs will fall off, thus preventing you from reaching the line. So you stop, but that means you don’t get there, just the same as if your legs had fallen off.

The answer? You need someone to carry you. But that depends on someone else. And my mind can’t think someone else into being, or think them into carrying me. Thus, impasse. And a bit of frustration with the Someone that is most obviously into carrying people, that he is apparently not.

Anyway, enough ramblings for now. I should go to bed, and hope for a different view tomorrow (view of tomorrow).

But before I do, some albums to check out that I recently got:

• The Forgotten Arm, by Aimee Mann
• Funeral, by The Arcade Fire
• On My Way to Absence, by Damien Jurado
• Picaresque, by The Decemberists
• Headphones, by the Headphones
• Woman King, by Iron and Wine
• The Everglow, by Mae
• Summer in Abaddon, by Pinback
• Talking Voice vs. Singing Voice, by Starflyer 59

Yes, that does mean my horrendous CD-buying habits are back.