we’re now over a week into spring quarter, and i’ve surprisingly little to show for it. academically, i’m pretty much nowhere to be seen–i skipped all but the first day of classes. socially, i’m the new kid in the eating club and so i sit alone. welcome to high school. physically, the only thing keeping me in shape is washing dishes for hours a day (oh, that’s what kitchen managers do…), and eating a lot of those whiskey-filled mini chocolate bottles. somehow running 20 miles a week didn’t even come close to making the radar screen. mentally, i’m not sure i’m all there. i spend way too much time sitting in front of the computer trying to think of things to put in my task list and not enough time working on the things already there. spiritually, i’m inspired but weak and too lazy to get anything helpful started for more than a second. so i get into nice little cycles where it takes all my effort to break out of the tunnel vision, leaving no strength to actually change paths once i realize i’m on the wrong one.
i question why, when i stand in the shower for over half an hour, it is absolutely impossible to get out a full sentence to god without some irrelevant, trivial, inane, or what’s more likely, naughty, thought intruding. or why i can sit and play so intently with my left ear lobe indefinitely yet not make it through a single chapter of the bible without finding myself rushing because of “time”.
still, i went snowboarding last thursday and was awed to the point of insane joy at the power and beauty of a snowstorm at the top of heavenly. it whited out my vision with an infinity of miniscule hexagons as i carved blindly downhill, exulting in the speed and recklessness and biting wind, praying that there were no sharp turns or looming cliffs. i felt closer to god when i realized more acutely how much my life was in his hands.
i was also able to perform a rather kick-ass set at stanford’s 2003 art affair (which i helped to a small degree to put on, and for which i stayed up all night in white plaza guarding artwork from drunken marauders [after having not slept following snowboarding, no less]), using every sinful vocal chord to sing of things like its creator.
also of great importance, i ordered 13 cds, which i am looking forward to receiving with great delight.
of little importance, on the other hand, are things like my job and school, which have been taking up all of my time. (that is, until the cds arrive)
oh, and a parting catch-22: i tend to think that i’m not ready for a romantic relationship until i’ve changed traits/habits x, y, and z about myself, but the best way i can think of to change x, y, and z is to become romantically involved. how’s that?
