i’ve been thinking recently about all the things that are wrong with me. well, that’s not precisely true–i couldn’t possibly think about all of them at once. so i’ve been thinking about a number of them.
and the more i think about them, the more they really piss me off. some of them are simply dumb habits that elude breaking. some of them are so petty i’m glad i hide them behind my veneer of cynicism. or do i? i’m sure they show through to those people who are discerning about such things.
so now, without further ado, My Problems [the short list, in no particular order]:
- laziness. where does the time go? half of it i don’t even remember what i did in the last hour, except for the fact that it wasn’t productive. if i weren’t in the midst of the easiest quarter i’ll ever have, i would be screwed. and i will be if i don’t realize that sitting in front of my computer looking at my desktop picture is dangerously close to omega level.
- cynicism. somewhere in the last year i decided that i never wanted to be disappointed again. so i lowered my expectations of myself, god, and the world. the [utterly unfounded] fear of god failing me, especially, sent me down that dark road.
- sarcasm. not to be confused with cynicism, this isn’t so much about worldview as it is about relationships. i hurt people with my unthinking sarcasm, and that sucks.
- lack of faith. if i look at my actions, instead of what i tell myself, it becomes apparent that i don’t really believe that god has things under control, or that he really is good and wants the best for me.
- arrogance. i look down on other people for the stupidest reasons.
- insecurity. strange that it exists in such an equal proportion to arrogance… i’m always afraid that people don’t think i’m cool, or that i really don’t belong at stanford, or in the philosophy program. and instead of just pushing these fears away i let them lead me to others, like fears that [god forbid] i don’t know what i’m doing in life, and that i’m not doing anything important.
- deconstructionism. cynicism, lack of faith, my major, and stanford in general have given me the crappiest deconstructionist attitude about everything. i always have to make some smart comment that’s purely argumentative. because this is what is popular.
- then there’s those other things which i won’t mention. a little bit deadly, that’s all.
at this point someone would probably say that i’m being negatively one-sided. after all, what good is a laundry list of sins and faults? isn’t that what jesus came to abolish? yes, of course. and self-deprecation is too obviously trendy.
still, i can’t help but sigh longingly in anticipation of a time when above problems will no longer belong to me. i can’t wait to get my head up out of this cesspool. and, i don’t think it’s wrong to try to get there as soon as possible: my destination is the stars, and my legs can’t jump that far, but that doesn’t mean i shouldn’t exercise in preparation for the day when they can.
also, believe it or not, many of these problems only recently came to my attention. and what better way to deal with them than to shove them into the glaring light and the clean air, away from the dark, mucky corners of my heart where they thrive?
disc on spin: oh, inverted world | the shins
