spring break part III: 3.23.2002 7:30pm – 3.25.2002 11:59pm
(the continuation of part II)
the drive home from gainesville was nice and easy–i just stopped once for gas on the turnpike. i made it home before 10. my parents and sister and grandma (who’s in town for a few weeks) were already winding down and getting ready for bed, but my body was so confused by the highly erratic sleep schedule i’d been leading it on, that i wasn’t tired. i heated up some cold leftover dinner and sat down to watch a movie brainlessly. i watched ‘the last castle’, which, while not spectacularly philosophical or artistic, was fun and had that cool ingenuity-and-trickiness-in-planning-for-fighting aspect.
sooner or later i stumbled into my bed, and got up at 8. the family went out to breakfast at toojay’s for some together time before church. mostly we just talked about colleges (david and rachel are graduating soon), cars, and plans for the future. the hostess kept staring at me, and it was a little uncomfortable. i couldn’t tell whether it was a “you’re cute” stare or a “you’re funny looking” stare. but we got out soon and made our way to church. our pastor’s a pretty awesome guy–smart, interesting to listen to, has solid and engaging perspectives…so i’d say that it’s only because i was falling asleep due to heat and tiredness that i forgot what the sermon was.
dave and i drove home in the vette and went immediately to bed. more naps to screw with my system. my dad woke me up around 3 and informed me that i needed to wash the jeep, since it had gotten dirty on the trip to gainesville. i didn’t argue too much about it, which was a rarity. emily had called so i called her back and we decided that we should talk the next day, since we hadn’t for a while, and since i had a lot of stuff on my mind. so i washed the jeep, then mark rogers came over and dave and i ate a quick dinner and hopped in mark’s car. we drove downtown to “the social”, formerly “the sapphire”, formerly “the sapphire supper club”. doors opened there at 6 for a denison marrs / twothirtyeight show. we got in relatively near to the front and grabbed one of the few tables. the show started punctually (another rarity) at 7 with the opening act–sound the alarm. all right, a little like my hotel year…too pop punk to be enjoyable for long.
i’d brought my minidisc player and new sony ecm-ms957 mic to try and record the show, and see if i could get a decent recording at all. i tested it out on sound the alarm, and, satisfied, i kept everything hidden nicely in my bag which was sitting (nonchalantly) half-open on the table. 238 was on next, and put on a very tight show with super-clean guitarwork and some tricky lead guitar duets. denison marrs rocked the house with their hard/space/emo/80s set, and once again impressed me very much.
we were out of the club and in the car by 9pm–virtually unheard of for a show. must be new management at the social. i listened to the recording in the car on the way back, and was blown away by the quality–it sounded better than it did live! mostly because live, my ears were ringing so much that it was hard to distinguish different sounds. mark dropped dave and i off at our house, and i spent the rest of the night e-mailing and blogging. i don’t remember when i finally went to bed.
but i remember when i woke up–noon, 3.25. or maybe it was 1. i ate breakfast, showered, and did my daily devotions. i prayed about my phone call to emily, because i didn’t know what would happen. i knew i had to tell her what i’d been thinking about our relationship, and what the posse and i had discussed, and i knew i had to trust that god would let us make the right decision. i just prayed that whatever it was, it wouldn’t be just one of us making the decision.
i called her around two. and everything fell out. everything that i’d been thinking about, praying about, wondering about, confused about–it all fell in a gnarled mess from my mouth, between nose-blowings (i was still sick, remember) and involuntary silences wherein i tried not to cry. i told her where i thought we were, where i thought god had led us, and why i thought it couldn’t continue in the way it had been. then i did cry, and i cried a lot. for memories and deflated hopes and an unknown future. also for relief–for the doing of something that had been a long time in coming, but invisibly and painfully so. she sat there and wondered why she’d ever trusted me with her feelings, her deep thoughts, and her heart. even though i know she could see it coming. and i’d given her ample opportunity to get out, but she’d stuck by me faithfully and loyally. now she wishes she hadn’t.
i felt like the lowliest jerk in the world, like i’d just stabbed my best friend in the back. we both cried and she said things, and i took them and didn’t deny them, and hoped that we could stay friends. i think we can. then i prayed for us, and thanked god for the relationship that we had shared, and the encouragement and love that was there. and i prayed that we could still have that without the romantic aspect of the relationship. then we hung up, and i prayed for my friend, because i knew she was hurt.
11 months was a long time. i learned a lot, messed up a lot, and hopefully did some good things every once in a while. and now it’s over. but i wouldn’t have traded it for anything else! it’s sad, but in a way i get excited about the sudden unknown–who knows where god will lead us now. wherever it is, i’m sure it will rock. and emily, thank you.
i didn’t have too much time to think about it then, though, because i had to detail the inside of my grandma’s car in 3 hours. this includes: vacuuming carpets, spraying carpets, scrubbing carpets/mats, letting them dry, vacuuming them again, vacuuming seats, washing seats, cleaning seats, leather-sealing seats, washing vinyl, cleaning vinyl, armor-all sealing vinyl, and washing windows. i had to do it because i’d promised to do it that day, and i’d also promised to go rock climbing with dave at 6. so i worked fast, and hard, and did a good job (another rarity for me where cleaning cars is concerned). but i was getting paid, so i obviously had some incentive.
i finished the car, inhaled some dinner, and hopped in the vette with dave. we drove half an hour northwest to longwood, where aiguille, orlando’s climbing gym, is located. it’s a sweet gym, huge, with lots of routes. as we discovered, most of the routes are really hard. apparently they’d just had a national bouldering competition or something, so there weren’t a lot of easy problems to set. we took a few hours, though, and worked on some stuff that we thought we could handle, and it was a lot of fun. i’m glad i brought my climbing gear home.
the gym closed at 10 and we drove home. i got to bed reasonably early (since i was scheduled to work 8-5 the next day at my parents’ office) but couldn’t go to sleep. maybe it was because i’d slept so late, or maybe my mind just wouldn’t stop thinking about my conversation with emily, and the huge change that it had made in my life.
we’ll see where i go from there.
to be continued…
